“6 Harsh Truths That Will Make You a Better Person”

Cracked.com’s most popular article of 20126 Harsh Truths That Will Make You a Better Person:

#4. What You Produce Does Not Have to Make Money, But It Does Have to Benefit People

“What, so you’re saying that I can’t get girls like that unless I have a nice job and make lots of money?”

No, your brain jumps to that conclusion so you have an excuse to write off everyone who rejects you by thinking that they’re just being shallow and selfish. I’m asking what do you offer? Are you smart? Funny? Interesting? Talented? Ambitious? Creative? OK, now what do you do to demonstrate those attributes to the world? Don’t say that you’re a nice guy — that’s the bare minimum. Pretty girls have guys being nice to them 36 times a day. The patient is bleeding in the street. Do you know how to operate or not?

“Well, I’m not sexist or racist or greedy or shallow or abusive! Not like those other douchebags!”

I’m sorry, I know that this is hard to hear, but if all you can do is list a bunch of faults you don’t have, then back the fuck away from the patient. There’s a witty, handsome guy with a promising career ready to step in and operate.

Does that break your heart? OK, so now what? Are you going to mope about it, or are you going to learn how to do surgery? It’s up to you, but don’t complain about how girls fall for jerks; they fall for those jerks because those jerks have other things they can offer. “But I’m a great listener!” Are you? Because you’re willing to sit quietly in exchange for the chance to be in the proximity of a pretty girl (and spend every second imagining how soft her skin must be)? Well guess what, there’s another guy in her life who also knows how to do that, and he can play the guitar. Saying that you’re a nice guy is like a restaurant whose only selling point is that the food doesn’t make you sick. You’re like a new movie whose title is This Movie Is in English, and its tagline is “The actors are clearly visible.”

I think this is why you can be a “nice guy” and still feel terrible about yourself.

Read the whole thing.

Seanbaby reviews Gregory J.P. Godek’s 10,000 Ways to Say I Love You

Spoiler alert – he didn’t particularly care for it.

Gregory J.P. Godek knows less about romance than date rape. He specializes in list-style books because it’s faster to let his brain vomit directly onto his keyboard than it is to put together paragraphs. If you’ve groped someone on a train you know more about women than Gregory J.P. Godek.

Way #2207: The Ultimate Pizza Date Coupon: The coupon-holder chooses the joint and the toppings. Coupon-giver’s treat!

A pizza coupon!? What, are you dating your son’s little league team? I’m starting to see why all your dating advice is insane. Your woman thinks it’s a special occasion when she gets to pick out the pizza. She must think it’s a second honeymoon if you wake her up before you start sex. Gregory J.P. Godek keeps his wife locked so deep in the basement that a new mop is the only way she knows it’s her birthday.

Godek ruins romance faster than accidentally screaming “mom.” I’ve seen better writing on a septic tank’s warranty.


James Quinn’s great rant on our current situation

“The lies we’ve been told by government, corporate America, and the media are no worse than the lies we’ve told ourselves. We have tripled the size of our houses, and reduced the sense of community in our nation. Many have perfectly manicured lawns, polished appliances, 12 spotless rooms and dysfunctional, aloof, joyless lives. A McMansion, stainless steel appliances, 6 flat screens, and granite countertops do not guarantee happiness. When all of these items are bought on credit, you have a tragedy. America has degenerated into a materialistic, corrupt, me first, soul-less society. Nobody is right. Nobody is wrong. Everyone deserves to win, even if they made horrible decisions. Unless this changes soon, this country is doomed. By 2020 the United States will essentially be an old aged pension fund with an army.”
James Quinn

Joel Johnson’s Awesome Gizmodo Rant

Former Gizmodo editor Joel Johnson unloads on Gizmodo and Gizmodo likes it so much they pay him for it.


And you guys just ate it up. Kept buying shitty phones and broken media devices green and dripping with DRM. You broke the site, clogging up the pipe like retarded salmon, to read the latest announcements of the most trivial jerk-off products, completely ignoring the stories about technology actually making a difference to real human beings, because you wanted a new chromed robot turd to put in your pocket to impress your friends and make you forget for just a few minutes, blood coursing as you tremblingly cut through the blister pack, that your life is utterly void of any lasting purpose.

And for god’s sake, Gizmodo, stop giving this stuff such a free pass. Stop using terminology that they’ve programmed into you by puking it into your eyeballs via press release after press release. What is this “unleashes” horseshit, Deleon? You’re not in marketing. Don’t write like you are. …

While we’re on the subject of your torpid, irresponsible copy, stop calling stuff “*tastic.” Especially “geektastic,” your slackest-jawed portmanteau. Would you drop that bon mot to a woman you were trying to hit on in real life? Of course you would, because I know you guys, and you’re dorks.

“Chromed robot turd” is a pretty fantastic epithet. Read the whole thing.

See also:
“God, I love America, I love Country Music, and I hate Ed Benson.”

“God, I love America, I love Country Music, and I hate Ed Benson.”

Jack Sparks live reviewed last weekend’s Country Music Association awards. Via Frank Stossel’s Left of the Dial. Even if you don’t give a flip about contemporary country music (and I barely do), it’s a roaring, drunken, profanity-gilded rant. Sample:

Ed Benson is the greedy, Matrix-like “Architect” behind the cash grab in Nashville that has led to shameless spectacles like the one I just know I’m about to watch.

If you don’t listen to “Gentle on My Mind,” at least once every one or two weeks or so, you aren’t human. Ed Benson doesn’t, but he’s an ape.

No…wait…pause. Why didn’t Rascall Flatts get cut off? Alabama has sold 70 million fucking albums…billions of dollars poured into Nashville…and they got cut off…Rascall Flatts just delivered a dissertation on being stupid and talentless for like, 15 minutes and they cut off Randy Owen, who, like it or not, was the voice of Country Music for TWO FUCKING DECADES. Ed, you’re really blowing it tonight. What other tricks do you have up your greasy sleeve?

Oh God. Pause. Behind her, Jack and Jackie O and Waylon and Jessie. Did anybody ask anybody about this? This might be the single most hamfisted fucking stupid thing I’ve ever seen during the performance of a country song ever. Ed, you’re really fucking stupid. What DOES this mean? Could you explain this to me in 50 words or less? Could you do it in a hundred? This is exactly the kind of shit I’m talking about when I’m talking about shit.

Okay, here we go. Finally, Alison Krauss &Union Station plus Jerry Douglas, the best Dobro player on earth. Great Ed, your fucking monkeys in the booth fucked up her mic. Jesus Christ, pause. Hey Ed!!! You dumbass!!! The most talented performer all night just kicked off her song with a fucked up mic level. Is it that fucking hard? Who’s running this show? I’m sorry Alison. I’m sorry you’ve graced us with your beautiful voice and talent in a genre and industry that appreciates you about as much as the porn industry appreciates a 57 year old grandmother with the clap. You deserve better than Ed and his minions of evil. You’ve played in bombed out shit-holes, just this side of Branson, Missouri where there was barely more than one outlet, and yet your mic was on when you started singing. Guess what? You just launched into a song on the stage of Madison Square Garden and that wasn’t the case. How long, oh Lord, how long?

Nope, he definitely doesn’t like Ed Benson. He doesn’t much care for Kenny Chesney, Big and Rich, or the act he calls “Wham,” either. Read the whole glorious thing.