Conversation About a Thermostat

::interior, conference room::
ME: Before we start, do you think it’s a little hot in here?
CLIENT: I was thinking the same thing.
::checks thermostat::
CLIENT: Whoa. Someone set the thermostat on 80.
ME: It was probably my wife.
CLIENT: Your wife?
ME: I turn the thermostat down, then she comes behind me and cranks it up. She probably drove from Knoxville to Nashville, snuck in the building, and set the thermostat to 80.

My Million Dollar Idea for a Reality TV Show

I have a million dollar idea for a futuristic reality TV show called Cloud Storage Wars. People of questionable ethics bid on unpaid storage accounts on Dropbox, Google Drive, and iCloud. Once they win the auction they determine how much money they can make by selling the previous owners’ credit card numbers or unpublished screenplays, or by blackmailing them with their boudoir photos.

Previously - My Million Dollar Coffee Creamer Idea

Sundance Channel and Independent Film Channel

I’m so old I remember when Sundance Channel and Independent Film Channel showed independent films instead of Law and Order reruns and big budget blockbusters. This week some of their small, handcrafted film options include marathon showings of the Rambo, Terminator, and Nutty Professor franchises.

Because if anything defines independent film making it’s Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Eddie Murphy. Outlaws. Rebels. Thumbing their noses at the stuffy Tinseltown status quo, these three maverick outsiders will explode the Hollywood movie-making formulas or have fun trying.

I’m not running for office …

I’m not running for office, but feel free to put one of my signs in your yard.

No Campaign Sign

The Worst-Tasting Thing – a Delicious Tale of Halloween Horror

Someone asked what I thought the worst-tasting thing would be.

I think the worst-tasting thing would be the Juice of a Dead Raccoon That Fermented in Spoiled Milk That Ran Down the Devil’s Asscrack and Dripped Into a Fetid, Bubbling Puddle on the Floor of a Horse Stable.

In fact, the only thing I can think of that would taste worse than the Juice of a Dead Raccoon That Fermented in Spoiled Milk That Ran Down the Devil’s Asscrack and Dripped Into a Fetid, Bubbling Puddle on the Floor of a Horse Stable would be Diet Juice of a Dead Raccoon That Fermented in Spoiled Milk That Ran Down the Devil’s Asscrack and Dripped Into a Fetid, Bubbling Puddle on the Floor of a Horse Stable. I don’t know why Snapple even makes that flavor.

Science!

A new study claims that Louis Pasteur didn’t perform his most famous experiments. The paper’s authors believe Pasteur’s dad did the experiment while his mom went to buy posterboard and that “the parents were probably up until frikkin’ 3 AM doing their kid’s science project for him.”

On a completely unrelated subject, photos I made for Katie’s fourth grade science project.

Celery experiment for school science project

Celery experiment for school science project

My Million Dollar iPhone Idea

I figured out a way to make a million dollars. I’m going to make a smartphone that’s exactly like the iPhone in every way except it vibrates loud enough you don’t miss half of your calls.

Game of Thrones spoilers from the books

I just started reading my first George R. R Martin book. I now have a sudden, inexplicable urge to post spoilers on Internet forums, so…

Game of Thrones books spoiler alert! The Bran* chapters are really boring. Plot synopsis of every Bran chapter: It’s cold. They walk from Point A in the woods to Point B in the woods. Hodor!

* I think it’s Bran. It could be Bran, Bronn or Brienne. The easy way to tell them apart is that one has a beard, one looks like a girl, and the other one is Brienne.

“Star Wars” is “Gone With the Wind” in Space

My new hobby – Watching Gone With the Wind with my wife and explaining that it’s the basis for Star Wars.

There’s Scarlett and Rhett.
There’s Princess Leia and Han Solo.

Sherman is burning Atlanta.
Grand Moff Tarkin is destroying Alderaan.


RHETT BUTLER: You still think you’re the cutest trick in shoe leather.

HAN SOLO: Maybe you’d like it back in your cell, your Highness.


RHETT BUTLER: No, I don’t think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That’s what’s wrong with you. You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how.

PRINCESS LEIA: I’d just as soon kiss a Wookie.
HAN SOLO: I can arrange that. You could use a good kiss.


RHETT BUTLER: I’m leaving you, my dear. All you need now is a divorce and your dreams of Ashley can come true.

HAN SOLO: You love him, don’t you? All right. I understand. Fine. When he comes back, I won’t get in the way.


SCARLETT O’HARA: Go on! I want you to go! I hope a cannonball lands slap on you! I hope you’re blown into a million pieces!

PRINCESS LEIA: Some day you’re gonna be wrong, I just hope I’m there to see it.


SCARLETT O’HARA: But you are a blockade runner.
RHETT BUTLER: For profit, and profit only.
SCARLETT O’HARA: Are you trying to tell me you don’t believe in the cause?
RHETT BUTLER: I believe in Rhett Butler, he’s the only cause I know.

PRINCESS LEIA: It’s not over yet.
HAN SOLO: It is for me, sister. Look, I ain’t in this for your revolution, and I’m not in it for you, Princess. I expect to be well paid. I’m in it for the money.
PRINCESS LEIA: You needn’t worry about your reward. If money is all that you love, then that’s what you’ll receive.

Coffee

I like half and half in my coffee, but what I really like is a third and a third and a third.

Spoiler Alert Fails

Google for “sons or anarchy recap.” I wonder if anyone died in this week’s episode?

1422474_10201804950383871_1873579699_n

OK, sure. Now I know who died. But who killed him is still a mystery, right?

1422605_10201803484107215_1663666951_n

That’s some mighty fine spoiler alertin’ there, Cletus.

45 year old spoiler alert!

45 year old spoiler alert! Charlton Heston didn’t land on an alien planet. It’s really Earth after apes have taken over.

GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN DAY 4

GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN DAY 4 – Lord Humongous and his motorcycle horde reign terror on the wastelands, seizing what precious little gasoline remains.

Judicial Watch Files FOIA for Information Related to Closing of WWII Memorial

McDonald’s Employee Admits Being Paid $15 to Protest WW2 Veterans

GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN DAY 2

GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN DAY 2 – Has anyone else resorted to cannibalism already?

I predict the government shutdown will cause just as much mayhem and breakdown of society as the sequester didn’t.

Bosch Dishwasher Long Term Review

Back in 2009 we replaced our old dishwasher with a Bosch dishwasher. Though I loved it at first, I wouldn’t buy another.

The Good

$T2eC16R,!)EE9s2ugOmBBR0(nYBnKQ~~60_12

You’ll just have to trust me when I say this black rectangle is a Bosch dishwasher.

I bought a Bosch because it was the quietest dishwasher on the market. It really is amazingly quiet. Every so often I’ll open the door to put something in the dishwasher and only then realize it was running. It’s that quiet.

Bosch dishwashers don’t use a heated drying cycle. If they did, they’d have the same door vent as other dishwashers, and that vent is a big hole in the soundproofing. Eliminating the heated dry cycle makes the Bosch quiet and energy efficient. The downside is that things don’t dry exactly like they do in a conventional dishwasher. After making a few adjustments, we found the secrets for getting a Bosch to dry dishes and I don’t consider that a problem.

Now I’m doing saying nice things.

The Bad

Because this was a $700 dishwasher in 2009 dollars, Bosch has to provide extra features to justify the sticker price. For example, normal $350 dishwashers have racks with a bunch of tines sticking up to hold glasses and plates. “Pshaw!” said Bosch.

Instead, to design their racks Bosch hired an engineer who played with too many Transformers toys as a child. Tines flip up and down. Most of the bottom rack has no tines or slots at all, except for some clip-on tines that flip up and down. The clip-ons fall off all the time. And when they’re not falling off they’re flipping down. After a couple of years we quit putting them back in, so there’s never enough things to keep dishes from falling over. Advantage – $350 dishwasher.

Speaking of things which fall off all the time, the wheels on the bottom rack fall off all the time. Even when they’re all in place the rack doesn’t slide smoothly into the dishwasher, so you have to wiggle or shove it into place. Round two goes to the $350 dishwasher.

Then there’s the button. On those horrible cheap dishwashers you press the button and the dishwasher starts. On this finely crafted European dishwashing appliance you press the button. Which just turns it off. You have to press the button again to actually start the dishwasher. I can’t tell you how many times we’ve pressed the button once and opened the door the next day to find a load of dirty dishes. And why you’d ever want to turn off a dishwasher I can’t even … You win again, $350 dishwasher.

Most dishwashers have a little latch under the handle that you have to press to open the door. The incredible strain of pressing the little latch has caused millions of Americans to develop calloused, arthritic fingers, excruciating shoulder pain and – in extreme cases – diabetes, asthma, scoliosis, impotence, and death.

Bosch to the rescue! There’s no little latch to press. You just gently pull the handle and the door opens. Or you can pull a little bit harder and the entire damned front panel and circuit board will rip loose, requiring a $170 repair. Two repairs like that and a fella could buy hisself one of them fancypants $350 dishwashers with all the tines and the non-falloff wheels. On the plus side, as a Bosch dishwasher owner I can smugly look back with heartwarming satisfaction on the four carefree years of my life when I didn’t have to press a little latch.

My wife has been annoyed with the Bosch’s quirks for years. I’ve put up with it because of how quiet it is, but that repair bill was the final straw for me.