February 15, 2016 Leave a Comment
Made with Meat Builder.
January 28, 2016 1 Comment
Potential headline for â€ª#â€ŽTheOnionâ€¬ – Hillary’s First Act as President would be to Raise White House Thermostat to 75 Degrees.
“Bill used to keep the thermostat at 68. I was meeting foreign dignitaries wearing socks on my hands,” says the Democratic candidate for president. “If I win the election, God willing, I will set that thermostat at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue so damned high Bill will sweat his cheating oystersÂ off.”
She elaborated, “It will be like an oven in a blast furnace in an inferno in hell.”
The former Secretary of State says that raising the first home’s thermostat would be a victory not just for her, but for all women who have fought their husbands over the temperature. “Men need to understand that you’re just naturally colder when you’re woman a like me. And also if you’re very, very old like me.”
November 25, 2015 Leave a Comment
Reje-X-men profiles applicants who weren’t accepted to Charles Xavier’s elite team of mutant superheroes.
What powers do you possess that your average countryman does not?
CAPTAIN ABOVE AVERAGE AMERICAN
My mutant DNA gives me two powers the statistically average American does not have. The first power is tallness. I am 6 feet 8 inches tall. That makes me three standard deviations taller than the average American male.
Intriguing. And what other power do you have that most Americans do not?
CAPTAIN ABOVE AVERAGE AMERICAN
I know what a standard deviation is.
November 17, 2015 Leave a Comment
High school senior Connor McHenry had just received the UPS delivery for his band, Led Zeppelin, when his friend came over for X-Box. “My buddy Paul looked at the Led Zeppelin t-shirts and was like, I think there’s another band with that name. They were this ancient British band that literally sold millions of records out of their pickup truck at sockhops and discos all around the country.”
McHenry hit the history books to learn more about his band’s namesake. “They were basically a J.R.R. Tolkien tribute band. So for example, ‘Ramble On’ is about Frodo’s journey and ‘Babe I’m Gonna Leave You’ is about Tolkien firing his literary agent.”
“They’re fossils now, but they were definitely ahead of their time,” McHenry says with admiration. “Timmy Page was the first person to play an electric guitar and Robert Planet was an openly hippie transsexual. This was before Roe vs. Wade, so you can imagine the discrimination he endured.” He says wistfully that he would have liked to see the old farts perform, but that “they all died in a scarlet fever epidemic.”
The Chesterfield High band has gotten a lot of ribbing from classmates who remembered hearing about the heavy metal dinosaurs from their grandparents. It’s mostly good-natured, but Zep bassist Scot Bhatnagar feels that some people are pushing their buttons a little too hard. “They act like we’re drooling morons who didn’t learn our ABCs,” says Bhatnagar, who plays on the football team. “We can’t be expected to know about this stupid swing band from the 1940s.”
August 14, 2015 1 Comment
Are you old enough to remember Simon, the electronic memory game? It turns out it’s older than you and me.