July 18, 2012 1 Comment
Encyclopedia Brown author Donald Sobol has passed away. As a tribute I dug up this Encyclopedia Brown fanfic I wrote but never posted as a response to a comment Jim Collins made in this long-gone Nashville is Talking blog post. It wound being too long a comment and too short a post to ever go anywhere:
“I am unaware of any legal right to pollute the air that as a human being I have to breath,” Jim Collins typed into a comment on a Nashville is Talking post announcing that the House Agriculture Committee voted 13-1 to kill a bill sponsored by the House’s only physician, Rep. Joey Hensley, to ban smoking in restaurants that employ people under 18.
Jim pressed “Send” and turned off his monitor. Then he combed his hair, went into the garage, and pushed back the kickstand on his non-polluting bicycle. He had a lunch date with the Junior Science club at Battered and Fried and he wanted to be on time. Encyclopedia Brown was this week’s guest speaker and Jim wanted a good seat. He hopped on his bike and sped off, his pinwheel turning in the wind.
Bugsy walked over to Encyclopedia Brown and begged him to take his case. “It wasn’t me. I was framed. I need you to find the real farter.”
“OK, we’ll take the case,” said Encyclopedia Brown. “Our fee is fifty cents.”
Bugsy walked over to a table where the people had just left and swiped fifty cents from the waitress’s tip. “Here’s your money,” he said with a big grin.
“Let’s get started, Sally,” Encyclopedia said.
“One minute,” Sally said, talking with her mouth full. “Those people left some fries on their table.” After Sally polished off the fries and half a bowl of clam chowder, they started their investigation by interviewing Tommy Clark. He had been sitting right next to Jim Collins.
“Sure I smelled it,” Jim laughed. “Someone played an entire stinkhorn solo.” I was enjoying a healthy plate of tofu that I as a human have to eat.”
“Butt, Jim, we talked to the waitress and she said you had the shrimp.”
“Okay okay! It was me, Jim Collins. I farted. And I’d fart again. Bugsy’s cigarette smoke was polluting the air that I as a human have to breath, and that’s not his right. So I let one to clear the air because my farts smell like roses.”
Bugsy looked at Jim like he was retarded. The human rights police showed up and took Jim to pollution jail.
Sally said, “Well, Encyclopedia, I guess that solves the case of ‘who farted?’. This will be one for the books.”
“That’s right, Sally,” said Encyclopedia, “I guess we can call this one the case of ‘who smelt it dealt it’.”
And everyone laughed.